Memories of Seven Years Ago

Madaling araw ng June 18. Birthday ko. Inaalala ko ang mga significant na bahagi ng 27 taong pamamalagi ko sa mundong ito. Napakaraming masasaya. Meron ring malulungkot. Pero ang lahat nang ito ang dahilan kung sino ako ngayon. My appreciation goes, first of all, to God, my eternal source of strength. And then to my loving parents who always give their best for me. They are my inspiration.

Isang punto ng buhay ko ang pinakahindi ko malilimutan. It happened seven years and four months ago… February 2003… At ang taong involved sa puntong ito ang nag-iwan ng pinakamalaking marka sa pagkatao ko. Nakakalungkot nga lang at di niya alam iyon. (Pero sa totoo lang, wala naman talagang ibang nakakaalam kung sino iyon, maliban sa akin.) At sa paglipas ng panahon, unti-unti na ring nawawala ang alaala niya tungkol sa kwento namin.

Ang hirap nung panahong iyon. I lost my confidence, lost my concentration, lost weight (dahil lahat ng kinakain ko eh sinusuka ko), lost hair strands due to emotional stress, lost self-esteem. Missed out on a lot of family activities due to depression. Almost got hit by car twice (dahil tumatawid ako sa kalsada nang tulala). Can’t help crying in public transportation (dahil hindi maalis sa isip ko ang nangyari). Went in and out of the hospital because of low blood (deprived of sleep). And di niya alam ang lahat ng iyon... he was living the life that he wanted. And I was just a teener trying to look strong, but deep inside I was badly hurt… and felt somewhat alone. Life hit hard on this 19-year-old girl for the first time.

This person has asked for my forgiveness… and over the years, I have been trying to give him my genuine forgiveness, while I try to recover from the damages that I have incurred. This situation have taught me that forgiving is the hardest thing to do. I have also learned more about me. Learned to improve my weaknesses and maximize my strengths. It made me a better person.

I cared for this person so much that I was willing to let things pass and renew friendship… hoping that he will learn that what he has done is wrong…. that even for the last moment he will realize that I am sincere… hoping that in a way, I will leave him something beautiful that will mark in his heart forever... especially that I knew that it will be the last time we'll be together.

But then I was wrong…. After a few years he said, “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth… if a man touches you, send him to the grave…”. Ibig niyang sabihin, forgiving is just for the weak... and I felt offended. (Kung naniniwala ako sa pinaniniwalaan niya, sana matagal na siyang nasa ilalim ng lupa. Pero di ako katulad niya.)

With his statement, I realized na hindi pala sincere ang paghingi niya ng tawad… na di pala niya alam kung ano talaga ang nagawa niya.... na hindi pala niya pinagsisihan ang ginawa niya… na walang halaga sa kaniya ang pagpapatawad na pinaghirapan kong ibigay sa kaniya.... ignorance is truly a bliss, at least for him.

At habang lumilipas ang panahon, nawawala na rin ang alaala niya ng pakikipagkaibigan... ng pinagsamahan. Isang araw, matapos ang maraming taon, muli na naman kaming nagkausap. Nagkamustahan. Pero sa bandang huli, iyon na raw sana ang huli naming pagkakamustahan.

Ito ang klase ng taong nag-ukit ng pinakamalaking marka sa buhay ko. He might already have forgotten. And I have already forgiven him. But I will never forget.

And as time passes by, these memories has went on giving me new insights…

Although I went through this, I feel blessed to have experienced it anyway. I feel happy for what I have become... an updated "NAJ." Though I feel as if my previous wishes have not been heard, I know that I was given more than what I hoped for. It was the most painful, but I survived it. Life goes on… bring it on! To God be the glory.